


Dr Snarky, Col. 5

by alltoseek



Series: Dr Snarky [5]
Category: Aubrey-Maturin Series - Patrick O'Brian, Master and Commander - All Media Types, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5739964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltoseek/pseuds/alltoseek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Early in his career, a certain physician sought to augment his meagre income as a ship's surgeon by writing a medical advice column.</p>
<p>Letters from "Capt. MH, RN", "P.K.", and "HMS S--'s Marines"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr Snarky, Col. 5

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Dr Snarky's copyeditors, alcyone301 and feroxargentea :-)

_Dear Dr Snarky_

_I am a prominent and successful naval gentleman, posted to a most desirable station in the Mediterranean. Lately I have been experiencing some difficulty with my beautiful and dashing wife. She has been quite exhausted, often retiring early (and firmly) to her own bedroom. The poor dear is constantly being harassed by young officers who have nothing better to do than hang about and pester another man's wife. One in particular, one of those tall, well-looking, stupid fellows full of high animal spirits, is very persistent and I confess I fear the worst._

_Kindly favour me with the name of a drug or simple that would act as an ant-aphrodisiac, not too strong tasting, if you please. It need not have a permanent effect although that would be a welcome outcome._

_yours in anticipation_

_Capt. MH, RN_

_HMS S--, at sea_

Capt. MH, RN

You may have heard of the ant-aphrodisiac _Vitex agnus-castus_ , perhaps by its more common names such as chaste tree, chasteberry, or Abraham's balm. Its spirit-crushing properties have been related since ancient times: Pliny, in his _Historia Naturalis_ , reports the use of stems and leaves of this plant by women as bedding "to cool the heat of lust" during the time of the Thesmophoria, when Athenian women left their husbands' beds to remain ritually chaste. In the 16th century the English herbalist William Turner reports the same anaphrodisiac properties of the seed, both fried and not fried. 

You should encounter little difficulty in making use of _Vitex agnus-castus_ , should you choose to try it in preference to enhancing your own native abilities to attract your own wife to your own bed, poor though they may be: as you are married I assume you must have some such quality. Perhaps this assumption is unwarranted. In any case, _Vitex agnus-castus_ is found in the Mediterranean region and the leaves, flowers, and/or berries may be consumed as a decoction, traditional tincture, cider vinegar tincture, syrup, elixir, or simply eaten straight off the plant.

Do not use it if there is any possibility of the recipient being with child; there is much in the literature regarding _Vitex agnus-castus_ and all other ant-aphrodisiacs causing complications during pregnancy, including early termination and other serious hazards to both mother and child.

 

~o~~o~~o~

_Dear Dr. Snarky_  
Which I’m a hardworking steward to a couple o’ gents, really just one but it seems no rest for me, no rest at all, now it’s the two to look after. Which the first one is a real gent all right, takes pride in his appearance, can’t be blamed that he gets all bloody sometimes, it’s in the way of his work like. T’other cove is a different kettle of fish, no more sense of what’s right than a pig in muck, just as soon wipe his arse with a linen napkin as use it to protect his fine clothes, that’s if he bothers to wear any, what’s a poor working man to do? But things is getting worse by far, now t’first one is learning the sluttish ways of the second, not only screeching and scraping half the night fit to deafen me but clothes tossed off anywhere, wadded up, used to wipe up God knows what, all damp and stained and mucky, and me with such a little bit of fresh water to clean them with. Dr. S., if you could tell me what I can do to get these ~~bloody berks~~ fine gentlemen to be a little more considerate, you would earn the eternal gratitude of me,  
Yours respectfully  
P.K. 

Editor's Note: Dr S has a quick reply, if you please, and it reads:

P.K.,  
Whatever the habits of your gentlemen towards their linen, they at least are possessed of some gentlemanly manners which you would be well-advised to emulate: LEAVE THEM ~~THE FUCK~~ ALONE, and stop listening at doors.

Please do write me again, should you ever be desirous of advice of a _medical_ nature. If you require tips regarding laundering, I am happy to refer you to my very capable landlady, Mrs B-- of the G-- Inn, The Savoy, London.  
~~~ 

As you may be aware, although Dr S's reply may not have been as useful to you as you may have hoped, your concern is not an uncommon one amongst our readership, which is often highly attuned to the state of others' clothing, whether or not they are the ones responsible for the washing. I hope you will allow us to make public your enquiry, your confidentiality naturally assured.  
Thank you once again,  
The Editor 

_Dear Editor,_

_Go ahead and make it public, maybe someone can help me with advice. Which my hands is all red and sore from the washing, much that Dr. Snarky cares, bugger him, too fucking proud to give advice to an honest working man, what's the world coming to I don't know._

_with thanks for the prompt reply_

_P.K._

~o~~o~~o~ 

_Dear Doctor Snarky_

_Wood yew pleeze help us Mareens? We know it was our ~~ofisser offiser~~ Captain H--d as shot the Doctor, which he dint meen fore to do it essept nun of us seen the Doctor till it was to late. And now everywun thinks we all dun it on perpuss, which we dint. And we reelly hope its all going too bee allright, becoz the Doctor is a reel lernd gentulman and can tell the sergins mate how to get the ball owt._

_But everywun thinks we all dun it, and we dont know how to make things rite agen. And Mister H--d's walking arownd with a fayse like mizery, which hes the best and cheerfullest offisser weve had. Uzally, anyway. Can yew help us tell him its going too bee allright?_

_Thanks for yore help,  
HMS S--s Mareens_

(Editor's Note: Clean translation provided below; the original was scrawled in pencil, on the back of an old duty roster, with corrections squeezed in, in a separate hand.) 

_Would you please help us Marines? We know it was our officer Captain H--d as shot the Doctor, which he didn't mean for to it, except none of us seen the Doctor till it was too late. And now everyone thinks we all done it on purpose, which we didn't. And we really hope it's all going to be all right, because the Doctor is a real learned gentleman and can tell the surgeon's mate how to get the ball out._

_But everyone thinks we all done it, and we don't know how to make it right again. And Mister H--d's walking around with a face like misery, which he's the best and cheerfullest officer we've had. Usually, anyway. Can you help us tell him it's going to be all right?_

_Thanks for your help,  
HMS S--'s Marines_

Marines of the _HMS S--_ , 

When you and your officers restrain yourselves to firing at the enemy, and not innocent animals and _**shipmates**_ , for all love, 'tis the black shame of the world such carelessness, you will no longer suffer the quite natural outrage of your fellow crew members and the pricks of your own consciences, nor feel the need to supplicate confidential correspondents for an undeserved and unforthcoming absolution. 

_(Editor's Note: translation to lowerdeck Lobsterback provided below; scrawled in pencil, on the back of an old prescription pad, with invectives emphasised, in a stronger hand)_  
Shoot the enemy, shitheads, not the poor birds nor your **OWN SURGEON** , fuckers; and no one will despise you **FOR THE IDIOTS YOU ARE** and you won't have to hate yourselves, either. Neither will you have to seek reassurance from some random writer **WHO AIN'T GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME**?! Dumbshits.  


_(Editor's note: for those for whom the above is still too complicated, the following is provided)_   


**DREAM ON, MOTHERFUCKERS.**

_Your most humble obedient servant,_  
**Dr Snarky**

~o~~o~~o~ 

_Have a question for Dr Snarky? Comment here!_

**Author's Note:**

> Letters from Capt. MH, RN and P.K. submitted via alcyone201
> 
> Letter from HMS S--'s Marines submitted via sharpiefan
> 
> Thank you! :D <3


End file.
